Memory: To Love A Cucumber

I started getting one of those fits of nostalgia as I was in the shower today... thanks to the phenomenon called Facebook, I have been re-connecting with friends whom I have lost contact with back in Jr High School. That just trips me out - here I am, 25 years old, friends who defined my very childhood whom I thought I would never see again (especially given the fact I'm no longer living in New York to begin with) and out of the blue, contact is re-established with a past long forgotten.... my best friends from childhood.

I know there's a lot of negativity on the internet, but for this I gotta say - God bless Facebook!

Because of this, I've ben inspired to tap back into some of my more fonder memories as a kid growing up. This one is about my very first crush, which for the sake of protecting names and my own embarassment, we'll call her - Cee Cee.

To Love A Cucumber
I've had crushes on women twice my age as a young kid growing up, but this one was different. In fact, I was the lover-boy since my youth. While kids created and played with their own imaginary friends, by the age of 7, I had an imaginary wife, married with a kid. Yeah, I guess you can say the whole "Make love, not war" was inspired by yours truly.

In Jr High, many say that is the time where hormones start to kick in. I remember dreading my 13th birthday because that was the age when my voice began to change. It seemed almost instant; Breakfast on a cool morning in March, I was sitting in the cafeteria with some friends and enjoying a banana nut muffin when all of a sudden as I spoke, the change took place:

"So, yeah that Math test seems pretty hard but I th-errrrr... I mean, I th-ERRRRR!"

My friends laughed their heads off at me... yeah, it was pretty embarassing.

By the 8th grade I had pretty much grown into my masculine voice. I was a skinny teenager with a slightly less helium-driven voice. I decided to take my gracious vocal chords to acting where I can pursue my career as the next Screech from Saved By The Bell. The school was offering auditions for The West Side Story.

After auditions I discovered they liked my dramatic performance and called me into the auditorium where once week we would be rehearsing.

"And the final cast member is for the role of Commander...K-K- uh... Klondike?" Said my performance arts teacher.

"I think it's Commander Kruptke." I said, which is pronounced "K-rupt-key" for anyone interested.

Just then, a pretty face of a girl who was sitting next to me, turned around and flashed me a smile as she said, "Yeah! That's how you say his name."

My cheeks blushed, but I think I was able to hide it then. It was her I never met her before, but I just knew it was "her"... pretty 8th grader with a lovely smile, long, curly hair and full brown eyes that shocked me at that moment. I just stared at her as she returned her attention to the teacher.

It was from then that I slowly got to know who this girl was. Again, we'll call her, Cee-Cee. Cee-Cee was a Puerto Rican girl who lived not too far from the school, although it was the total opposite direction of where my house was. She faced the same persecutions I faced as a kid growing up: First was the fact that she too was a Christian, and proud of it. That alone will make you the object of ridicule around kids who are influenced by parents who don't believe in Jesus Christ. The second was, like me, she was a light skinned girl living in a black neighborhood.

The story of Marshall Mathers and Kym Mathers come to mind...

But no, Cee-Cee and I were cut from the same mold. We were both accused for being white folks, when in fact, we're Puerto Rican. The case of the missing identity is not a fun game to play. If you're white, you're white. But if you're not, it's just not the best thing in the world to tease a kid with. You are who you are.

We had a lot to talk about, since we had so much in common.

Now let me just tell you that I had always put my emotions ahead of me - I wore my heart on my sleeve, so it was easy for me to fall in love with someone, only to have my feelings hurt by some obstacle like age or the fact that my crush lived only in a TV program. In fact, I was hurt by the fact that April O'Neil was only a cartoon character.

This time however, I was slowly letting my guard down. For one, Cee-Cee was MY AGE, if only a few months younger... She's a Christian... AND she's Puerto Rican! A perfect match! How could love be any better than this?? Now, the only obstacle that stood in my way from being with the young woman of my dreams was.... well, me.

In my own imagination, I was the most brave, courageous kid ever known to mankind. In the REAL WORLD however... Well, when a kid got picked on for my physical appearance as often as I did, you can imagine how shy and unconfident I would be, especially in front of a girl!

That didn't stop me though. The school year went on and suddenly, Cee-Cee became the main discussion between me and my closest friends. In fact, we had a few code-words for her whenever I wanted to mention her without using her name: Calculator or Cucumber. You can imagine how my friends made fun of me for it:

"So Jason, did you get to kiss your cucumber today?"

"Hey Jay, have you added your Calculator yet?"

To my recollection, my friends weren't very funny. Then again, neither was I.

The school year was coming to a close and the big performance that started off as The Westside Story became a combination of two famous broadways: Chorus Line and Phantom of the Opera Cee-Cee was no longer part of the production anymore, which was a bummer, but at the same time, it gave me the chance to impress her.

The play went without a hitch and for the last couple months in Jr High, I became the most popular kid in school. Even the janitor applauded when I walked down the aisle. Aaah yes, life for me was good! But I still had to win the heart of my Cucumber!

That day of the big play, I met up (or actually, I hid somewhere and conveniently caught up with her once she walked by) with Cee-Cee as I normally did after school. This is usually where we get to chat the most. I think she knew I had a mega crush on her, because she would give me hints that she liked me too, but I often was too scared to reply back on those sentiments. Finally, the play was over and PROM was coming up! I made a vow I would not rest until I've asked her out.

Today was a good day though, because as we walked, a bunch of 6th graders ran up to me saying "Hey! Aren't you the Phantom?! I loved that play! My brother in the 8th grade liked it too!" Oh, what a self-esteem boost. I nodded, smiling back and played with them a bit before they ran off home. You can imagine how I played this for all it's worth once I returned to walking with Cee-Cee.

"Wow, you're really famous now, aren't you?"

"Well, I don't want to toot my own horn, but..."

Oh, of course I did. It was my stepping stone to asking her out!

We kept walking and throughout it all, the words "Wanna go to prom with me?" were at the tip of my tongue but would not escape. Somehow, I was still too petrified of rejection... so, as it soon became apparent throughout my life, the girl took the initiative.

"You going to prom?" she asked.
"Yeah, are you?"
"No, no one has asked me."

This is it. This is my moment to plunge in and ask the question... as beautiful as she is, no one has even asked her! That, or she turned everyone down to give me the chance to ask... We crossed the street, a car passed us and I was taking that brief moment to work those words "Go out with me" to my lips. Once we crossed to the other side of the street, she said it again:

"You heard? No one has asked me."

Obviously, she wanted someone to ask her. I looked into her big brown eyes, curly hair dangling off her shoulder, I finally hiked up my pants, embraced my inner "Phantom" and jumped in:

"You know... you can go with me, if you want?"

Not exactly the way I would have wanted to ask... definitely not Knight-in-Shining-Armor, but it got the job done. Almost immediately she replied;

"Yeah! Sure, I'll go with you!"

We met the point where we normally broke off to go our separate ways to go home. I looked down the street and hoped no one would see me making arrangements with the girl of my dreams. Aw, heck, what did it matter now? I got the girl!

"Great! So uh... I'll meet you at prom. I hope you know how to dance."

She laughed "Yeah, I do. I'll seeya there!"

The rest of the walk home was like I was tiptoeing on clouds. I was practically married, now. I was going to go to prom, impress Cee-Cee further with my awesome dance skills (which would have been a first, because I've never danced before) and we would go through high school and college as boyfriend and girlfriend destined to marry and have 3.5 kids.

Sadly, that would never be. Coz when I went to prom, I stood inside by the door from the time it opened till almost halfway into it. She never showed. I got stood up by my Cucumber.

I'd like to say the rest of the evening I simply sulked at not being able to share my prom experience with Cee-Cee but the fact was my reputation with that performance as Phantom of the Opera didn't leave me unnoticed. I got called to dance with just about EVERY girl in my school! I kid you not, I was fought over like a doggie treat to a pack of hounds. In fact, I even danced with the school's registered twins - at the SAME time!

So, I couldn't have said my prom was a wreck, in fact, Cee-Cee called a few days later to apologize, saying that her mom didn't believe a girl her age should go to boy-girl dance. Her family were pentecostal, which is where I came from too, so they were pretty strict on that whole thing.

Alas, after that phone call, it would be the last I ever hear of Cee-Cee. High school came along and I was heartbroken at the fact that I missed my chance to ever ask her out officially to be my girlfriend. I was NUTS about her! We had so much in common, so I thought God would see it through. It didn't work out that way, and so after that, I crawled back into the mercy of my imaginary wife and 2-month old son.

THE END?

Not quite. YEARS later, my second year as a college student, I was walking around the Westside of the Bronx where I was going to pick up my then girlfriend (who was intending to break up with me at this point). We had been on a break and I was going to pick her up to try and win her back. Feeling hurt and trying to figure out a plan, in the distance I heard;

"OH...MY...GOD! Is that who I think it is???"

I looked up and in the distance I saw "her"... after six long years I came across Cee-Cee once again! My heat fluttered once again, a smile crept from cheek-to-cheek as we walked toward one another.... violins were playing and all I heard was a Heavenly tune... which was disrupted by a big bulky figure next to her.

Cee-Cee hugged me, which was the first time I actually hugged her (Scratch off a 6-year long desire off my list!) She smiled at me with those familiar brown eyes and curly hair, then looked back.

"This is my fiance." She introduced me to this big muscle-bound dude. He was short, obviously Spanish, and was holding something they got back from the cleaners. I shook his monstrous hand and pulled back a crippled hand.

"See? This is the guy I've been telling you so much about?" She whispered to her fiance.

Told so much about? Me? She told her FIANCE about a guy she met and lost contact with 6-years ago??? Sounded suspect. We spoke for minute, as I was telling her that I came to pick up my girlfriend, emphasizing on my girlfriend as to not feel like I'm a pitiful bloke watching his first crush engaged and soon to be married to a guy twice my size. I wished them well and a happy marriage and walked away, but NOT without one more hug mind you!

And thus, that officially ends the chapter of my first ever real crush, Cee-Cee. Yes, it was rather anti-climactic, but that's how life is sometimes. I'll still always remember her as being the girl who laid down the foundation for what I wanted in a future wife, I'll remember the times I paced around my block trying to get the nerve to pick up the phone and call her JUST to say hi... I'll remember getting her in trouble when I finally did because I called on a weekday when she said I was only allowed to call on a weekend... the one thing I wish is to be able to find her on Facebook someday. She's one of the few people from my childhood who is really hard to find.