FASTING: Day 1 of 21

Covenant Generations Church, the church I attend is doing the annual 21 days of fasting. We start things off right every new year by giving the first part of it to fasting and praying. It's kinda like giving the first 10 percent of your income to the church (aka the tithe), we're giving the "first ten percent" of our year to God, so to speak.

2011. Everyone is expecting something great this year. I can feel it all around, everyone is excited, believing something great is going to happen this year. I've been feeling this way about 2011 since January of 2010.

I held several meetings with people from my record label concerning this. 2010 was a training year and a year of preparation. I knew and spoke about 2011 being our year to finally get things off the ground and doing what I'm called to do.

What is that exactly? In one word: ministry. Need more? Okay, in two words: urban ministry.

Death2Self Records was placed in my heart 6 years ago for the inner city community. After all, I've lived it my whole life. I desire to reach out to people who I surrounded myself with my whole childhood who didn't see any good out of life other than poverty, drugs and just doing what feels good. Church to many people is not the answer. Well, they're right in saying that... church isn't the answer - the answer is God.

So for 2011, I am expecting GREAT things coming from me. While many see me as this weak feeble dude who on the outside, doesn't look like much - I know who I am on the inside. I know what I'm meant to do and who I'm meant to be. 2011, it's time for that guy to come OUT!

WHAT AM I FASTING?
This year, I'm fasting the stuff I know works for me, and is just as equally sacrificial: SWEATS & CARBONATED BEVERAGES.

Okay, for any of you "advanced fasters" out there, let me explain. I am almost 27 years old, I am 5'10'' and I weigh 130 lbs. I'm not the healthiest guy in the world, so to fast food would be putting my health at risk.

Now don't get me wrong, I fully back up fasting food, whether all meals or select or even the Daniel fast (fruits and veggies only) but also when going on a fast, you need to know what you can or cannot handle. With people still needing to work and go to school, fasting meals may very much affect job performance and we know God's understanding enough to not hold it against us to have a select fast on account of needing to stay well enough to work.

A fast is about the intention, and trust me, this is a sacrifice to me. I'm a Dr. Pepper junkie first of all, second, sweats is one of my few joys in the world (ice cream, cookies, you name it). This is my fast.

WHAT AM I FASTING FOR?
Here's the list...

1) INCREASE in finances - Sounds like it should be on everyone's list huh? Well, for me especially since my wife lost her job and I'm making only HALF of the house bills that I'm required to pay, so it's not only something I want, but something I NEED.

2) JOBS & BETTER JOBS - I'm blessed with a job provided by the church and I work freelance for websites and graphics as well. Sadly, because the economy's kicking everybody's butt, freelance work isn't a good place to earn money right now. The only way I can make this work is to be hired by an actual company or organization. My church, as great as it is, isn't paying me nearly enough to make it. No fault of their own, they just can't afford to pay me what I'm needing right now. What this means though is I need to keep my options open if I'm going to be a good provider for my family and get us out of debt!

3) DEBT - When you become a man of faith, you learn not to worry about things like debt because you know God will take care of it... Well, first off, the Bible makes it clear that a man who does not work does not deserve to eat. Second, FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD, so I can have all the faith I want, God ain't gonna honor me if I'm on my butt hoping for a miracle. Simply because I have debt, doesn't mean I should be okay with it. I'm very uncomfortable that I have this debt... to the point where I can't afford maintenance on the car like a simple oil change! My debt NEEDs to GO and I'm proclaiming it gone in 2011!

4) NO MORE MONEY WOES - I'm not asking to be rich, although I receive it. I find no enjoyment about living from paycheck to paycheck nor should I. I refuse to continue looking at the bank and seeing I have no money even for getting FOOD to live off of... Guess this is why fasting could help in more ways than one, huh? Still, this isn't so much about myself - I have a wife. And if I'm ever to have kids, I need to be the financial provider. Not only do I want an increase in my finances, I also never want money to be an issue with us ever again. I want to be a GIVER, not a BORROWER.

5) SEE THE PROPHECY FULFILLED - When I was attending my church in NYC, a church called Resurrection Christian Center, I was spoken this over me: "There is a sleeping GIANT inside you." This giant is meant to do great things, but he's sleeping. When I joined my current church, Covenant Generations Church, before even knowing my NAME, my Pastor called me to stand up in front of everyone right after worship and spoke this over me. "You are going to be the NEXT BIG EVANGELIST". Get this: He spoke it over me TWICE. That's three times a prophecy of who I am meant to be was spoken over me. I'm nearly 27 years old, I need to see this realized in this year!

6) BOLDNESS, CHANGE IN CHARACTER - We all have character flaws, every one of us. Last year, I felt everyone was against me because family and friends were seemingly turning against me because I said or didn't say the right thing or said them in the wrong way or whatever. It seems like people fall all the time but I'm judged a lot harsher than anyone else. Well, whether those reasons are valid or not, I am wanting a total makeover in 2011! I want to be BOLD and brave! I want God to loosen my tongue so I can change from a shy guy to a wild and passionate guy who doesn't shut up! I want to be taken and seen seriously as an adult so I can go out and do the works of God with people's support behind me!

7) DEATH2SELF RECORDS - This is our year! I'm planning on getting the business license this year, the DBA and open a bank account for it. I am planning on pushing this forward further than it's ever been and not look back. I am needing a church to stand behind me, I am needing a family to rep this ministry. Whatever that means at the end of this fast, I'm leaving up to God, but I KNOW this is the year!

People have come to me and asked "Maybe this isn't God's timing for you or this ministry" several times, but fam, I've already been at that point. I've already confronted God and asked him to first, take away this desire if it's not from him, also, I've came close to giving it up altogether. This ministry keeps coming back to me. If I had it my way, I would've closed down Death2Self in 2009. In fact, I was going to. God had other plans for me, so it's still here.

This year is going to bring great change to my life, please help me keep all this in prayer! This is going to be exciting!

Memory: To Love A Cucumber

I started getting one of those fits of nostalgia as I was in the shower today... thanks to the phenomenon called Facebook, I have been re-connecting with friends whom I have lost contact with back in Jr High School. That just trips me out - here I am, 25 years old, friends who defined my very childhood whom I thought I would never see again (especially given the fact I'm no longer living in New York to begin with) and out of the blue, contact is re-established with a past long forgotten.... my best friends from childhood.

I know there's a lot of negativity on the internet, but for this I gotta say - God bless Facebook!

Because of this, I've ben inspired to tap back into some of my more fonder memories as a kid growing up. This one is about my very first crush, which for the sake of protecting names and my own embarassment, we'll call her - Cee Cee.

To Love A Cucumber
I've had crushes on women twice my age as a young kid growing up, but this one was different. In fact, I was the lover-boy since my youth. While kids created and played with their own imaginary friends, by the age of 7, I had an imaginary wife, married with a kid. Yeah, I guess you can say the whole "Make love, not war" was inspired by yours truly.

In Jr High, many say that is the time where hormones start to kick in. I remember dreading my 13th birthday because that was the age when my voice began to change. It seemed almost instant; Breakfast on a cool morning in March, I was sitting in the cafeteria with some friends and enjoying a banana nut muffin when all of a sudden as I spoke, the change took place:

"So, yeah that Math test seems pretty hard but I th-errrrr... I mean, I th-ERRRRR!"

My friends laughed their heads off at me... yeah, it was pretty embarassing.

By the 8th grade I had pretty much grown into my masculine voice. I was a skinny teenager with a slightly less helium-driven voice. I decided to take my gracious vocal chords to acting where I can pursue my career as the next Screech from Saved By The Bell. The school was offering auditions for The West Side Story.

After auditions I discovered they liked my dramatic performance and called me into the auditorium where once week we would be rehearsing.

"And the final cast member is for the role of Commander...K-K- uh... Klondike?" Said my performance arts teacher.

"I think it's Commander Kruptke." I said, which is pronounced "K-rupt-key" for anyone interested.

Just then, a pretty face of a girl who was sitting next to me, turned around and flashed me a smile as she said, "Yeah! That's how you say his name."

My cheeks blushed, but I think I was able to hide it then. It was her I never met her before, but I just knew it was "her"... pretty 8th grader with a lovely smile, long, curly hair and full brown eyes that shocked me at that moment. I just stared at her as she returned her attention to the teacher.

It was from then that I slowly got to know who this girl was. Again, we'll call her, Cee-Cee. Cee-Cee was a Puerto Rican girl who lived not too far from the school, although it was the total opposite direction of where my house was. She faced the same persecutions I faced as a kid growing up: First was the fact that she too was a Christian, and proud of it. That alone will make you the object of ridicule around kids who are influenced by parents who don't believe in Jesus Christ. The second was, like me, she was a light skinned girl living in a black neighborhood.

The story of Marshall Mathers and Kym Mathers come to mind...

But no, Cee-Cee and I were cut from the same mold. We were both accused for being white folks, when in fact, we're Puerto Rican. The case of the missing identity is not a fun game to play. If you're white, you're white. But if you're not, it's just not the best thing in the world to tease a kid with. You are who you are.

We had a lot to talk about, since we had so much in common.

Now let me just tell you that I had always put my emotions ahead of me - I wore my heart on my sleeve, so it was easy for me to fall in love with someone, only to have my feelings hurt by some obstacle like age or the fact that my crush lived only in a TV program. In fact, I was hurt by the fact that April O'Neil was only a cartoon character.

This time however, I was slowly letting my guard down. For one, Cee-Cee was MY AGE, if only a few months younger... She's a Christian... AND she's Puerto Rican! A perfect match! How could love be any better than this?? Now, the only obstacle that stood in my way from being with the young woman of my dreams was.... well, me.

In my own imagination, I was the most brave, courageous kid ever known to mankind. In the REAL WORLD however... Well, when a kid got picked on for my physical appearance as often as I did, you can imagine how shy and unconfident I would be, especially in front of a girl!

That didn't stop me though. The school year went on and suddenly, Cee-Cee became the main discussion between me and my closest friends. In fact, we had a few code-words for her whenever I wanted to mention her without using her name: Calculator or Cucumber. You can imagine how my friends made fun of me for it:

"So Jason, did you get to kiss your cucumber today?"

"Hey Jay, have you added your Calculator yet?"

To my recollection, my friends weren't very funny. Then again, neither was I.

The school year was coming to a close and the big performance that started off as The Westside Story became a combination of two famous broadways: Chorus Line and Phantom of the Opera Cee-Cee was no longer part of the production anymore, which was a bummer, but at the same time, it gave me the chance to impress her.

The play went without a hitch and for the last couple months in Jr High, I became the most popular kid in school. Even the janitor applauded when I walked down the aisle. Aaah yes, life for me was good! But I still had to win the heart of my Cucumber!

That day of the big play, I met up (or actually, I hid somewhere and conveniently caught up with her once she walked by) with Cee-Cee as I normally did after school. This is usually where we get to chat the most. I think she knew I had a mega crush on her, because she would give me hints that she liked me too, but I often was too scared to reply back on those sentiments. Finally, the play was over and PROM was coming up! I made a vow I would not rest until I've asked her out.

Today was a good day though, because as we walked, a bunch of 6th graders ran up to me saying "Hey! Aren't you the Phantom?! I loved that play! My brother in the 8th grade liked it too!" Oh, what a self-esteem boost. I nodded, smiling back and played with them a bit before they ran off home. You can imagine how I played this for all it's worth once I returned to walking with Cee-Cee.

"Wow, you're really famous now, aren't you?"

"Well, I don't want to toot my own horn, but..."

Oh, of course I did. It was my stepping stone to asking her out!

We kept walking and throughout it all, the words "Wanna go to prom with me?" were at the tip of my tongue but would not escape. Somehow, I was still too petrified of rejection... so, as it soon became apparent throughout my life, the girl took the initiative.

"You going to prom?" she asked.
"Yeah, are you?"
"No, no one has asked me."

This is it. This is my moment to plunge in and ask the question... as beautiful as she is, no one has even asked her! That, or she turned everyone down to give me the chance to ask... We crossed the street, a car passed us and I was taking that brief moment to work those words "Go out with me" to my lips. Once we crossed to the other side of the street, she said it again:

"You heard? No one has asked me."

Obviously, she wanted someone to ask her. I looked into her big brown eyes, curly hair dangling off her shoulder, I finally hiked up my pants, embraced my inner "Phantom" and jumped in:

"You know... you can go with me, if you want?"

Not exactly the way I would have wanted to ask... definitely not Knight-in-Shining-Armor, but it got the job done. Almost immediately she replied;

"Yeah! Sure, I'll go with you!"

We met the point where we normally broke off to go our separate ways to go home. I looked down the street and hoped no one would see me making arrangements with the girl of my dreams. Aw, heck, what did it matter now? I got the girl!

"Great! So uh... I'll meet you at prom. I hope you know how to dance."

She laughed "Yeah, I do. I'll seeya there!"

The rest of the walk home was like I was tiptoeing on clouds. I was practically married, now. I was going to go to prom, impress Cee-Cee further with my awesome dance skills (which would have been a first, because I've never danced before) and we would go through high school and college as boyfriend and girlfriend destined to marry and have 3.5 kids.

Sadly, that would never be. Coz when I went to prom, I stood inside by the door from the time it opened till almost halfway into it. She never showed. I got stood up by my Cucumber.

I'd like to say the rest of the evening I simply sulked at not being able to share my prom experience with Cee-Cee but the fact was my reputation with that performance as Phantom of the Opera didn't leave me unnoticed. I got called to dance with just about EVERY girl in my school! I kid you not, I was fought over like a doggie treat to a pack of hounds. In fact, I even danced with the school's registered twins - at the SAME time!

So, I couldn't have said my prom was a wreck, in fact, Cee-Cee called a few days later to apologize, saying that her mom didn't believe a girl her age should go to boy-girl dance. Her family were pentecostal, which is where I came from too, so they were pretty strict on that whole thing.

Alas, after that phone call, it would be the last I ever hear of Cee-Cee. High school came along and I was heartbroken at the fact that I missed my chance to ever ask her out officially to be my girlfriend. I was NUTS about her! We had so much in common, so I thought God would see it through. It didn't work out that way, and so after that, I crawled back into the mercy of my imaginary wife and 2-month old son.

THE END?

Not quite. YEARS later, my second year as a college student, I was walking around the Westside of the Bronx where I was going to pick up my then girlfriend (who was intending to break up with me at this point). We had been on a break and I was going to pick her up to try and win her back. Feeling hurt and trying to figure out a plan, in the distance I heard;

"OH...MY...GOD! Is that who I think it is???"

I looked up and in the distance I saw "her"... after six long years I came across Cee-Cee once again! My heat fluttered once again, a smile crept from cheek-to-cheek as we walked toward one another.... violins were playing and all I heard was a Heavenly tune... which was disrupted by a big bulky figure next to her.

Cee-Cee hugged me, which was the first time I actually hugged her (Scratch off a 6-year long desire off my list!) She smiled at me with those familiar brown eyes and curly hair, then looked back.

"This is my fiance." She introduced me to this big muscle-bound dude. He was short, obviously Spanish, and was holding something they got back from the cleaners. I shook his monstrous hand and pulled back a crippled hand.

"See? This is the guy I've been telling you so much about?" She whispered to her fiance.

Told so much about? Me? She told her FIANCE about a guy she met and lost contact with 6-years ago??? Sounded suspect. We spoke for minute, as I was telling her that I came to pick up my girlfriend, emphasizing on my girlfriend as to not feel like I'm a pitiful bloke watching his first crush engaged and soon to be married to a guy twice my size. I wished them well and a happy marriage and walked away, but NOT without one more hug mind you!

And thus, that officially ends the chapter of my first ever real crush, Cee-Cee. Yes, it was rather anti-climactic, but that's how life is sometimes. I'll still always remember her as being the girl who laid down the foundation for what I wanted in a future wife, I'll remember the times I paced around my block trying to get the nerve to pick up the phone and call her JUST to say hi... I'll remember getting her in trouble when I finally did because I called on a weekday when she said I was only allowed to call on a weekend... the one thing I wish is to be able to find her on Facebook someday. She's one of the few people from my childhood who is really hard to find.

Hey fam! D2S FEST '09 pics!

Check 'em out.... http://www.myspace.com/thespiritanointed go to my pics and select the "The Third Annual D2S FEST '09" album! Enjoy all 151 pics! ;-)

I'm On My Period (Part 3)

I find it funny... in the back of my mind I'm haunted with this image of a timer counting down till the moment someone else loses faith in me and moves away from what I'm doing. I had a certain co-DJ whom I had big plans for, turn away from what I'm doing to pursue another doing the same things that's much BIGGER and BETTER than me! Excuse me, but, where's the loyalty? Haven't I at least earned that?

I suppose at some point I have to bite the bullet and think maybe God hasn't been hyping me up for all this good stuff that I've been dreaming about. Oh but believe me, this isn't the gloom-and-doom SA who's poured out all his drama like he usually does! No, I'm being very transparent actually. I'm being honest. THIS-IS what goes on in my life, I'm not embellishing. Can you blame me for being at least a bit upset? How would you feel for having good intentions raising a community of strong believers together, and having everyone beat on you all the time for not performing to their expectations? If you don't, you don't have their support. You're the one ignored, the one laughed at. Your right hand cuts your left hand off, as the scripture says. Oh, but I didn't expect the Bible to actually mean what it said! Foolish me!

You know something, it's not funny! I've been fighting the good fight for so long but it's becoming clear to me that I NEED TO STOP trying to please people. If nobody can see how good a thing Death2Self really is, then I'm not gonna work my butt off to try and get them to believe in me. Go ahead and miss out on a good thing, it will be your own conscious fault for not supporting someone in need when that someone had fully supported you.

It's one of those things where "if you can't get something done right, you have to do it yourself"... I've asked for help, they've confirmed wanting to help me, are committed... but never come through, or it comes with conditions. Heck, I don't want that kind of help anyway, but that's all I get.

Now take a look at my schedule: D2S FEST only one month away... the ground work is taken care of in fact we only have a few more things to do... but I'm having to sacrifice my time with my music to go out to churches everywhere to spread the word. At this rate, I won't have any new material for my show! I'm having to do everything....everything... yay....

This is to the generic, I've had maaaany people step on my toes, so this is just in general... at work, at home, online, in ministry, all around.... the human populous is a pitiful, pitiful thing... granted, I have a ton of my own faults... but my heart is for people... I only wanted to make something out of myself... and this ministry.

Thank you for not believing in me. (Oooh, looks like I'm trying to get you to feel guilty - GASP! What an evil man!)

Bah, pay no mind to me... I'm on my period.

I'm on My Period (Part 2)

.... so what I was saying was... if I'm not constantly trying to win people's approval, I'm not a valid MC... a valid CEO... a valid friend. Period. I get no leeway. A LOT is expected from me at ALL times... but I feel as though my feet are going NO-WHERE. Seriously. I've spent the last 3 hours working on AMP'ed Radio... and no, don't get excited here... 3 hours of waiting for my slow computer to catch up with my pace on simply importing audio and simple volume and pan mixes... that's all. Nothing fancy, turns out, no matter how many files I trash out from my comp, I still have ZERO space left on my hard drive... ZERO. So, AMP'ed Radio is delayed yet again. I love AMP'ed Radio...but what the heck?People are actually SUBSCRIBED but I'm forced with so many tasks that I have to push lesser priorities aside... so again, when I have time for AMP'ed Radio I have to try and prove myself - AGAIN. 

That's all I do. I love being involved, but I can't be given simple tasks... I have to be expected to do lots... fully knowing my circumstances. I mean, I'm just going to say this and yes, I'm complaining, but WHAT THE HECK HAS HAPPENED TO THE HUMAN CONDITION? Since when have we become so dang self centered? Oh, but my simple protest here is self centered too, isn't it? HAHA so we're also into the phase of humanity where no one will accept their own accountability and whenever someone justfully addresses something, he's in sin for it. Lovely. 

I'm not going to name names, but people have left my label over the fact that Death2Self isn't at the status of super stardom right now.. and yes, it's been more than one person who's done this. Let me clarify: I DON'T HOLD ANY GRUDGES. Memory and gruding are two different  things, remember that. I do my best to maintain healthy relationships even with those who (GASP) have a different opinion of me and what I do!!! 

[Ahem...Continued in part 3] 

I'm On My Period...

I just have to get this off my chest... I wanna punch somebody. Nobody specifically, I'm just in one of those ticked off moods... hah, surprising how a "CHRISTIAN" would ever want to lose their cool, huh? Oh yeah, Spiritually Anointed doesn't mean Spiritually Perfect. I'm just really at my wit's end. 

This usually happens about once a month - so call it MY period. If I don't freak out over something that's pressuring me, I've missed my period, which unlike the case with women, I'm not worried about it.  

Man, you know the story: I'm a 25 year ol' douche living at home with mom and dad, making just about 12 bucks an hour at a job that makes me feel like a hardworking stiff, having to take shots from nasty, rude red necks from da durrty south... Being a married man living at home, I'm constantly having to go between my parents and wife to at least TRY to keep everyone happy so no misunderstandings are crossed... AND I have a teenage sister who hides in her bedroom talking to boys on her cell... plus, I mentioned teenage girl. Teenage girl vs emotional wife = well, you get the picture.

Then I run a record label, my LOVE, my PASSION... everything about it is pure and beautiful... the only problem is, if I'm not on my grind trying to time and time again push my all into this to try and get people to believe in me, I lose all their faith and they move on to someone or someones who has it just a little bit more together than me... for example, WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO MY FANBASE?!?! 

When it comes to the label and music, it really is God's deal. If my fans are gone, that's fine. I don't sweat it nearly as much as someone who's more concerned about getting recognized for the simple fact that if God wants me to be big and famous, He will. Don't you think it's possible? 

[Continued on Part 2...]

Which is better? The Job Search

Just posing a question out there into the abyss, which is a better situation for a guy like me?: a job that pays 2 bucks / hr less than what I'm getting now but a great schedule where you never work nights or weekends and every Friday is a half-day (closes at noon), plus commission.... OR my current job where schedules are ALWAYS random paid two bucks / hr more...?

The one I'm going for now is at Bluefish TV, a Christian video & book company. I'm going for the sales job which requires me calling churches and selling our products and earn a comission off them... it's great cos it's Christian, never work nights or weekends, half day every Friday... this means I can be more free to do shows.... 

Problem is, I wouldn't say I'm the greatest salesman, so $10 / hr plus commission isn't as pretty as my current $11.92 / hr plus commission.... my commission at my current job is only like $4-30 per lawn mower.. depending on which I sell. And of course, there's no gaurantee if I sell any lawn mowers (since they're so expensive) I probably have a better shot selling books and videos at Bluefish TV...

So, there's pro's and cons. I'm concerned about the pay at BlueFish TV plus the health benefits isn't as great as at Lowe's... so... yeah I'm not sure which to take. In either case, I hope you keep me in prayer. I have an interview today so I'm hoping for the best. Much luvv! 

Two Days, Five Days. Rinse, Repeat.

Oh maaan how agonizing it is to have a full-time job! To think, we spend our whole lives in school to learn about how to be successful in life... and all we get is our butts kicked out the door after college and ordered to fend for ourselves, so we start from the bottom with a few dead-end jobs and for what? 

Man, if only ministry work would just fall into my lap right now.... 

You know, I wish with all my might I could just get paid to run my own label. I've had 5 year's experience. Can't say I'm the best, but I'm pretty good and have an incredible work ethic! Can't deny me of that, can you? 

People have come and gone that I've worked with, had beef with, and ultimately blessed anyway since I started the label. I was supposed to be the next Puerto Rican Em coz I had my own Dr. Dre, but like I said, people come and go... 

What I admire most about where God's leading me is that He's always given me the opportunity to make ammends with anyone I've bumped heads with. Lord knows that I understand the severity of making sure my "self" is kept out of the picture and no matter what, all I'm doing is for Him. This doesn't mean that I'm always in line with His plan... how many of us can walk a perfect/straight line in God's sight? 

Still, I know that no matter what goes on, there will be the two days of rest, two days of that bright sunny glory that await me soon as I close my eyes. I may have to work and tread on through the harsh trials during the week for five, long, agonizing days... but my solace comes from knowing the two of the seven that are mine outweigh my burdens. 

Abba Father, I am yours. 

The Weight of The World...

Sometimes I feel just so overburdened by whate everyone expects from me... Please keep me in your prayers fam. I'm getting really tired of carrying all this weight...